Tap out

Ever wanted just to tap out?  Just to say, “that’s it, I’ve seen enough, experienced enough, I’m done.”   I tried that once.  Didn’t stick.   Some days I am thankful that it didn’t and other days I am not.  Today is one of the latter days.  I am tired of everything, just absolutely everything.

My words come out wrong in times like this and I end up hurting people.  I feel drawn out, on edge and useless.  So I begin to fill my life with things to do, which exacerbates the cycle.  If I am busy I won’t think about shutting myself off, I won’t consider the ultimate sleep because my mind will be too distracted.

Except that isn’t what happens.  The more “distracted” I get, the more I think about it. The more I want to tap out.  I get to the point where just another hour seems to be impossible and it is so full of to-do items that I just have to carry on so that I do not disappoint others.

You see life is about making others happy.  It is about fulfilling their desires, their wants and needs.  That is what I was taught, and pretty much how I have lived my life.  If someone is unhappy I will literally move mountains to change that.  I will cut off anything that might possibly get in the way.

Which naturally leads to stages where my psyche screams enough! and I have to stop just to get my breath.  I have to stop and feed that dark desire inside myself just enough to stop the screaming, and then I can go back to the normal order of things.

Feeding that dark desire is getting harder as old tricks don’t work anymore.  I have seen too much, experienced too much.  That darkness wants more and it can’t have it.  It literally wants to surrender but no one is willing to step up and control it, to take it in hand and feed it regularly.  No one wants the inevitable fight that will come with the wrestling over ultimate control.  It takes strength and patience – so much of it that it can be tiring.

That desire needs to be locked up again and then buried so far away it can never be found.  It needs to almost disappear so that it never becomes an issue when pleasing others.  It needs to stop being the obstacle that causes hurt and pain because it is not fair on everyone else.

Today I want to tap out – instead I will complete my work, go to the second stage for part time work, clean my home and do my best to placate one I have hurt today.  I will keep going hour for hour because there is no other option.  And somehow I will drag myself into tonight and bury my head in the pillow as I wage war on the demons, so that I can face tomorrow again.

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One thought on “Tap out

  1. My heart feels deeply for you. I have been there, mine didn’t take either.(Thank Goodness I say with hindsight – else I would not have my children). I’ve no advice to offer really, it IS just moment by moment, struggling over the feeling and fighting the thought of NOT feeling.
    I hope that you find a place that brings you some respite.

    Liked by 1 person

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