Daddy’s girl

My father and I were very close as I was growing up.  I remember hours spent in front of the record player listening to music.  My education on bands and lyrics opening my eyes to all that was slipped between the lines.  He helped me through my first period, and gave me much of the sex talk – even if he wouldn’t look me in the eyes and was red in the face.

Through all he had done, he wasn’t ever present for the big moments – the awards, the choir singing, the milestones that for me were super important.  I was often told that he was busy, or it was the same-old same-old because I won far too many awards.   The promises were consistently broken, but the child in me kept hoping he would find some way to attend.

When I fell pregnant, I was told it was my problem, there would  be no assistance.  And there was none.  Not even to come and be close for the birth of the eldest grandchild.  We drifted further apart as the years moved on, and by the time I was 30 having lived away from home for 10 years, we barely saw each other.

Queue Australia and my move here.  He would not come and say goodbye at the airport.  He was too busy to see us off, not knowing when we would be able to see him again.  He did not say goodbye to the children.  9.5 years on from that and he is offered an all-expenses paid trip to visit us, and he turned us down – via email.

I hurt.  Today is hard because my feelings are so very close to the surface.  I feel like I will break.  How do I trust again?

Dad’s are important to their daughters.  I have had a lifetime of broken promises and really shouldn’t hope for anything.  Yet I miss having a Dad in my life.  I miss the ability to talk to a male role model that is not a partner / boyfriend / friend.

It also makes it hard for me to trust those male partners / boyfriends.  How do I not impose my triggers on to them?  What happens when they let me down (usually not through choice)?  Do I just withdraw from men in general?  Logically I know there is nothing wrong with me, but emotionally I wonder what I did wrong all those years ago.  I was born when my parents were 19, and I know my Dad felt trapped.  Is it transference from his inability to lead the life he wanted?

I will never know because our conversations are trapped at the banal level.  There are no more heart to hearts with Daddy.  Instead he is like an acquaintance I see once in a blue moon.  I love him still.  More fool I.

Daddy’s girl.  I doubt I ever was, but fuck I tried.

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