Tired … oh so fucking tired

Have you ever just gotten to a point where you are tired and you have had enough?  Enough fighting for a place in the world?  Enough searching for recognition?  Enough looking for someone just to acknowledge all that hard work you put in and the sacrifice of time?   The place where you realise that all you have ever been handed are empty promises and ethereal dreams.

I’m standing at that place today.  I am self-aware enough to know that I am in a bit of a funk presently.  “Down the rabbit hole” so to say and this is affecting the way I view things especially my career.  It is disheartening when I have worked so hard to get to a point just to have it yanked away for the umpteenth time.

Wonder why I worked so hard in the first place?

I’m trying very hard to look up and not down.  It’s hard not to listen to the queen and her shouts of “Off with her head!!” or to watch as the rabbit passes me by and tells me I’m late again.  It feels like I’ve spent my life chasing time to get to one place or another just to have someone smile at me and disappear with the prize.  Or to be seated and watch as it all disintegrates into some mad tea party.  I honestly feel caught up in my own version of Alice in Wonderland … except my story isn’t as well written, and I am not sure there is a happy ending.

I just know that we are all a little mad here.  I’m certainly lost and the potion has me vacillating between big and small so fast my head won’t stop spinning.  So I’m hoping to find another story, or at least a quiet corner in this one.  Maybe I just need to read Alice again.  Because right now I feel like all that work was for nothing and all I will ever be is a little girl stuck in someone else’s idea of what the world should be.

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