The one night stand girl

That’s me. I’m the one night stand girl, whether I’m in a relationship or not.  All I get is a one night stand – connections so few and far between that it feels like I am drifting alone just waiting for someone to see the need within me and reach out and touch it.

Sex is a vital and necessary part of life.  It is definitively not the be-all and end-all of any relationship, yet it does play a part.  Whether that sex be straight or kinky or a little bit more experimental depends on your nature and that of your partner and the consent that is given, but it is vital in maintaining a connection.

Somehow though I seem to chase all my partners away.  I can’t seem to understand why.  I have been thinking about this for weeks now and it leaves me frustrated and empty.  I give 100% when I am with a partner.  I hold nothing back.  I want them to see, feel and hear every emotion and feeling that I have and I want to touch, taste and feel them in their rawness as well.

Possibly that’s my biggest mistake and ensures that I end up as the one night stand.

I know I am intense. I’ve lived most of my 40+ years seemingly wrapped up in this bubble or behind this wall of silence.  I’ve had to conform to everyone else’s idea of what is right or wrong or suitable.  I’ve been stifled.  So now that I am on my own, I want to experience things (even on those occasions before when I was able to break free for a moment or two).  I want to know what it is to live completely in a moment.

I end up being the one night stand girl.  My long term relationships cool and there is none of that early days of cuddles and kisses and touching.  No caressing and teasing.  It is just a knowledge of what works and the buttons are pushed by rote and the deed is done.  The magic of discovery seems to have been lost.  I am well aware that time and familiarity all play a part but there should always be some “play” involved in sex, shouldn’t there?  There should be a sense of wonderment at the persons body and a need to feel and explore.  You never know what new thing you may turn up because we are always changing.

My short term partners last one night no matter how well we get on in other areas.  I stay friends with everyone and we flirt and share all sorts of naughty stuff, yet there is no move to the bedroom, irrespective of how much people want it.

It all just hurts.  The one night stand girl.  That’s me.  Will I ever find the man willing to really invest in me the way I will invest in him?  A man whose passion runs as deep as mine?  Maybe I should just close the door to that instead and live out those fantasies in my head.  It certainly was safer years ago.

The one night stand girl.  That’s me.