My super-power has asserted itself again

My super-power is anxiety, coupled with panic and paranoia.  Wonderful combination of emotions and thoughts and just stuff.  Meh!

I find myself wanting to cower in a corner and hide from the world – instead I am working and not doing a particularly good job.  I want to cry and sob and let it all pour out of me in a consistent flood until there is nothing left, and not one fucking tear will fall.  The well seems so deep and so far that access is denied.

I am wondering what sort of suit I should have when this super-power comes calling.  Should there be a cape in order to hide from the world?  A Harry Potter-esque invisibility cape that lets me be places but not be seen.  Or should it be a Dr Strange cloak that allows me to levitate and protects me from unseen barbs?  I would be able to glide and float out of reach or when hit with something, it simply deflects.  Hmm, maybe Hulk is better inspiration?  Just scare the shit out of everything because angry you know?

I am tired of these fluctuating emotions.  Of the paranoia and fear that seeps into my dreams and sleep, leaving me more exhausted than when I started.  I am tired of my chest constricting to the point where pain is felt on every indrawn breath. Every exhale leaves me fighting tears.  I am just plain tired.

Where did my happy go?  And who took contentment on a walk?  I feel trapped in this house of discontent and what makes it worse is that I am well aware that this is of my doing.

The discontent and frustration that you feel is entirely of your own creation – Stephen Richards

I am just not sure on how to displace the current super-power.  I need to bring back happiness, contentment and joy.  Those powers are far better for me and I don’t need a super-hero suit for them.  A smile and laughter are all the dressing they require.  There is joy in the simple things, delight in the quiet achievements and progress in the things we are grateful for.

Anxiety and paranoia rob that from me.  I can see it, I can feel it.  I just cannot seem to lift myself up out of the rabbit hole.