I choose this path

“I didn’t fall into love with you. I walked into love with you, with my eyes wide open, choosing to take every step along the way. I do believe in fate and destiny, but I also believe that we are only fated to do the things we’d choose anyway.” ~ Kiersten White

I have whittled my friends list on social media (multiple places) to almost zero, taken away photos and writings and basically left little behind.  This is all in an effort to clear my cluttered mind.

About 8 years ago I met my primary partner via an email exchange. It was a once off hello that has led to a journey of many tears, much laughter, hate and love in equal measure, education, change on a very large scale and although I would change some things, overall I wouldn’t change a thing.

In the 8 years since that exchange, I have weathered a divorce, weathered an empty nest, become financially stable and no longer dependent on anyone, lived through a suicide attempt, learned to live with my demons (anxiety and depression) and survived bullies and all sorts of other setbacks. He has been at my side for all of it. Every single thing.

In those 8 years I have tested every single limit I have. I have crossed boundaries in my head and I know that I am resilient and tough. I know what turns me on, what turns me off.  I understand myself enough to know that a good method of coping is compartmentalisation, which in itself is intimidating. I am aware that I am intense, quirky, difficult and I am not everyone’s choice.

I have grasped the concept of consent. I have learned to go with the flow – kinda. I have learned that when I fail it is the kind of failure that would put a fireworks show to shame. My failures are spectacular in their obscenity.

Many mistakes. No regrets.

Here is the crux of it. My choices then are still something that sits at my core. How these  will manifest now is a journey I am on currently. I didn’t fall in love with the idea of those choices (some very controversial), I walked into it with my eyes open. I made all the mistakes the new in love do. I made promises I couldn’t keep, I allowed my eyes to close when they should have stayed open. I allowed myself to be led, when I should have chosen my steps instead.

It is the same with my primary.  I walked into it all with eyes open, and reflection shows that when I closed my eyes, that was when I fell. When I stopped choosing a path with him, that was when everything fell apart. We’ve made many mistakes and we will make many more. We are going to love and hate in equal measure for the rest of our days and still we will stand together. I am going to cry (and he will too) and I will rail and scream, and we will weather it. On the other side is laughter and joy. There is peace and contentment.

I didn’t fall in love, I walked into love. I didn’t go blindly, I chose this path I am on, and I choose it every day. Eventually I will rebuild my list and my social media footprint. For now though, the simplicity of just being me is contentment enough. The ability to understand and accept where I currently am is a form of freedom I seldom allow.

I have made many mistakes, and I will make many more. I have no regrets. I choose this path, and I am.

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