Hurt

I try and live my life as openly as I can and still remain true to the woman (and girl) I know is inside.  Today is hard emotionally and mentally.  I feel like I have slid down the rabbit hole and I have yet to hit bottom.  It is as though I have been thrown back to the insecurity of my childhood days, and it sucks.

I am not sure that I have the maturity to get on with day to day life anymore.  It seems to get harder and harder without any mitigation in sight.  When I place my own needs and wants first, I often find that there is criticism and judgement on my lack of availability or commitment.

It is so easy in being the one “who is the better person and takes the high road”, never placing anything I desire first.  My earliest memory of this pathway was as a young child and my sister wanted something that I treasured.  She got it, and I was told to accept it as she didn’t know better and it would keep her happy.  My own happiness was forfeit.  This pattern continued with her and my family and extended into my married life and now still extends into my single life.

It is easy to see the pattern.  Easy to see how I will please others and in the process lose myself.  It is easy to recognise the signs of my abject misery and lack of fulfilment and still I will do anything to keep those I love and need around me.  I will take on the blame, take on the hurt and swallow every ounce of pride.  I will stamp on the emotion and anguish and wrap it up ever so tightly and lock it away in multiple containers with excessive locks and throw it in the deepest hole in my mind.

That hole is starting to get a little full.

I have to let go of a relationship that is not healthy.  It is not doing me any good and it has been on the cards for a while now.  A little part of me loves him, and I will miss his presence, but we can’t seem to find the time for each other.  We allow everything else to interfere.   I understand that this is required in order to stay healthy, doesn’t stop the hurt though.

My time is precious to me.  I spend so much of it around others, that I seem to get lost in the process.  I jealously guard my schedule and try to ensure that things are planned well in advance.  It stops me from backing out but also allows a measure of control.   Others see it merely as me being difficult to stay in touch with.  What others find easy, I find hard.  If I do not guard my time, it will be gone and I will end up doing nothing for myself.  This is my flaw.  I will give until I literally am at empty.

My own self-worth is so low that it sometimes only takes a small knock to drop me to my knees.  I can often fudge the deal by concentrating on achieving goals at work or starting a new hobby and mastering it.  Inevitably though a small thread will destroy what little confidence I have.

I am aware, unfortunately, of how needy and insecure I can be perceived as.  It is hard to dial that all back and find a secure middle ground.  I am, very unfortunately, either all in or all out.  That analogue babe who is all 1s and 0s.

Yet should I be changing myself that much just for love and affection?  Surely someone will love me just the way I am and see that for all the analogue, I can be digital too?  I am objective and see so many shades of grey for everyone else,  why can it not be applied to my life?

I am hurting today and I hope I hit bottom soon.   Then the only way left is up.