Juggling

It feels like I am juggling way too much of late.  Work, relationships, my own health all seem to be these glass balls, and they are precariously close to falling and shattering.

Things have been great for a while now.  I have changed the way I think about my finances and as a result, I am seeing progress.  Genuine progress.  I grew up with the litany of “we don’t have money for that” or “there is not enough money to cover the month” – I am sure many of us had similar words expressed.  I spent most of my adult life saying exactly the same thing and what was interesting is that I never had enough money to last the month, there was always some unexpected cost or too much debt.

Now I say “I have enough”or “the debt is being paid off and I am saving, there is plenty” or even “I am well paid and can afford this”.  In the last 3 months, I have seen my finances turn around, and no I haven’t had a pay increase.  I have simply changed my thinking to one of bounty instead of insufficient.  I may have little left at the end of each pay cycle, but I have covered all my debts (and added in a bit more), I have covered all my monthly expenses, I have saved a little and I have set aside money for events and fun stuff.

It is a great feeling watching how the debt balances are dropping and how I am able to get those concert tickets or just save the money.  It is a good feeling to know that I can change the way I think about something and it works.  So finance is slowly becoming a rubber ball rather than a glass one.

My other glass balls are ones I cannot really allow to drop.  Health is vital because we can do nothing without it.  I still have this empty feeling and that won’t be filled anytime soon, to be brutally honest, probably never.  It doesn’t matter how many relationships I have (and they are all wonderful in their own way), I will never fill that space.  It’s a realisation which stings but also in its own way gives peace.

I am stretched thin at work – and not my primary, but my secondary work.  The hours are more than expected and it is taking toll on my mindset, my health and just my ability to time manage.

Then there is this need to be more independent.  I want to do more for myself and rely on others less.  I feel as though I have let that slip and am finding it hard to care for myself.  I am hoping that with taking back more independence and doing more for myself, I will fill some of my emptiness and also have more investment in what I want going forward.  I will be more invested in my own space.

Finding positive ways to move forward.