Quality not quantity

I keep reminding myself of this phrase:  Quality not quantity.

It’s been a while since the last foray into my psyche.  The last month has been another rollercoaster ride of emotions.  Often I would get to the point where I just do not see why I should continue on.  I honestly do not see the point.  I feel lonely, lost and ignored.  All of which is not the case, but I am not discounting the feeling.

Lately this all seems to bubble beneath the surface and on the weekend, I have panic attacks or just am so emotional that I hide and constantly cry.  Not a fun way to spend the two days you are meant to be out and about.  I have wondered if it is because I have little scheduled for the weekend – but time out is required and the next couple of months are genuinely full on.

I have a very small circle.  Partially by choice and partially because I just do not fit with people.  I have lost people over the last year and it tugs really hard some days.  When you lose someone you love, and this is again through choice, it takes a long time to heal and that part of your heart will never belong to anyone else again.  Or to you for that matter.

There is a part of me that says I have quality within my circle, and that is correct.  I may not have quantity, but those that are there now, will be at my side no matter what.  Some days though, and I realise this may seem petty, I wish for quantity and therefore diversity.  Having a very wide range of people that you can plug into and feed from.  I have the same people, and some of those only take.

So we cycle back to the just not wanting to be here.  I am tired of the facade, of the endless effort to remain positive and upbeat.  I am tired of pretending that I have it all sorted, when in reality I do not.  I get up, get ready, go to work, go home, work on stuff and sleep.  I feel like there is nothing inside of that that is inspiring.  What is worse is that there is no one from my birth country I can talk to.  No one with experiences from childhood that I can converse with.  I am in a new country (yes even after 8 years I am still learning) and it is hard.

Suicide is something that is on my mind a lot.  Health issues that just do not seem to be resolved along with all of the above, just make this seem viable.  Yet, I made a promise after the last attempt that I wouldn’t again.  Keeping the promise is proving hard.

Where to from here?  This is not a positive post, and it strayed a little.  I am not sure what today holds.  I just know that I am trying new things to find my feet.  My business is going to be started up again, I am doing some international travel for work, some volunteering and considering some other volunteering, clients for the work I do privately and crafting, and somewhere in there I want to find my faith again.

Let’s see if I can get some quantity that is also quality.