I keep reminding myself of this phrase: Quality not quantity.
It’s been a while since the last foray into my psyche. The last month has been another rollercoaster ride of emotions. Often I would get to the point where I just do not see why I should continue on. I honestly do not see the point. I feel lonely, lost and ignored. All of which is not the case, but I am not discounting the feeling.
Lately this all seems to bubble beneath the surface and on the weekend, I have panic attacks or just am so emotional that I hide and constantly cry. Not a fun way to spend the two days you are meant to be out and about. I have wondered if it is because I have little scheduled for the weekend – but time out is required and the next couple of months are genuinely full on.
I have a very small circle. Partially by choice and partially because I just do not fit with people. I have lost people over the last year and it tugs really hard some days. When you lose someone you love, and this is again through choice, it takes a long time to heal and that part of your heart will never belong to anyone else again. Or to you for that matter.
There is a part of me that says I have quality within my circle, and that is correct. I may not have quantity, but those that are there now, will be at my side no matter what. Some days though, and I realise this may seem petty, I wish for quantity and therefore diversity. Having a very wide range of people that you can plug into and feed from. I have the same people, and some of those only take.
So we cycle back to the just not wanting to be here. I am tired of the facade, of the endless effort to remain positive and upbeat. I am tired of pretending that I have it all sorted, when in reality I do not. I get up, get ready, go to work, go home, work on stuff and sleep. I feel like there is nothing inside of that that is inspiring. What is worse is that there is no one from my birth country I can talk to. No one with experiences from childhood that I can converse with. I am in a new country (yes even after 8 years I am still learning) and it is hard.
Suicide is something that is on my mind a lot. Health issues that just do not seem to be resolved along with all of the above, just make this seem viable. Yet, I made a promise after the last attempt that I wouldn’t again. Keeping the promise is proving hard.
Where to from here? This is not a positive post, and it strayed a little. I am not sure what today holds. I just know that I am trying new things to find my feet. My business is going to be started up again, I am doing some international travel for work, some volunteering and considering some other volunteering, clients for the work I do privately and crafting, and somewhere in there I want to find my faith again.
Let’s see if I can get some quantity that is also quality.