Missing

There seems to be this gap when there shouldn’t be.  I know that my anxiety and depression would lead to a lot of this, but at the same time, it shouldn’t be there.  Life is good.  I have all I need and I get what I want (in respect of those little items that should really wait) and still I have this gap.

There are days when I wonder if I am being “grabby” and just wanting too much.  Like today.  Yet still, there is this missing piece and I am not sure it will ever be filled.  Identifying it is the problem, and I have spent the last 40+ years trying to do just that.  Low self-esteem does not aid in this area at all.

I have looked for the missing piece in sex and companions, and sometimes I haven’t been particularly selective.  Whomever and whatever for that moment sufficed.  I am not regretful of those times as I made friends and did have some meaningful encounters.  Yet, they have not filled the gap.

I used to have what many would term a “champagne lifestyle”.  Money was really not a big object and even though the marriage was not good, the fact that I could have without thought made up for that.  Eventually that soured to the point where luxury was just not working, so I left and began a life on the opposite side.

Even having grown up with the “not-haves”, it was a little harder than expected to make the transition back again.  A few years later and it sits easier because it is not quite a “not-have” as I have come to realise.  Lack of residual money just means that I choose more carefully and the events mean a little more.  Items that were once taken for granted are now appreciated more because of what it takes to achieve them.

I have lost people on the way.  My circle has grown even smaller and this is one thing that I truly regret.   It is as though no one really understands me and so only stay for a short period – or it may be me, just unable to maintain the energy required to sustain what turns out to be needy people.

I miss some more than others.  One springs to mind, but I realise that door is closed and there is very little I can do about that.  There is a breakdown in communication and I am tired of it always being me first.

That gap seems to grow ever wider.  I have tried many self-help courses and still I seem to be missing something.  I am grateful for what I do have.  I am not completely satisfied and therein is probably the problem.  Until I am satisfied with what I have, more will not be forthcoming.

Yet satisfaction itself is not going to be the answer.  I need to make better choices.  I need to be clearer on what I want from a partner, friends and everything else that I am involved in.   Somehow I need to break the thought pattern that this is all I am worth or entitled to.  Maybe then the gap will start to narrow.