Learning to respect myself

This was / is one of the hardest blogs I have ever written.  It has been on my mind for such a long time and it needs to find its way onto the screen in front of me, if only to give me peace of mind and finally to close off a chapter.  I have held on for far too long and in the process disrespected myself and you.

I loved, still love, you.  You provided me with a stability at a time that I needed it most.  A distraction and an acceptance.  For who we were at that moment, in that space it was perfect and had I stayed you would have been perfect.  You are strong and capable.  Attentive, kind, understanding and can give me the support I so desperately crave.  That person is the type of person I would give the world for.

I saw you again recently and I realised that I had changed.  Fundamentally I had altered in ways that you couldn’t accept, maybe wouldn’t accept.  I wasn’t quite the same needy wilting woman of yesteryear, my needs were different now.  I still needed and those needs would require someone with a strength that meant showing vulnerability and weakness.

The support I so desperately crave is something that is still there.  I still have this tendency to pick those that run away in times of trouble, but you too are incapable of letting me lean.  I don’t need to fall down to show my need for support, I just need to be able to turn and cry, and then pick up the pieces.  I want someone who can see my distress and hold my hand.  Someone who understands my frustration not as a cry of selfishness when I want to do it myself, but seeing the genuine pain below and helping me help myself.

You want to sweep in as my white knight and take away the pain and fight my battles for me.  I wonder if you understand that you cannot do that – it lowers your standing in my eyes.  I don’t need a saviour, I need a partner.  Someone to fight with me, or sometimes just tend the fire and me once the battle is done.  Yet you see yourself as the alpha male, the one who needs to be in charge and winning the fight.  You can’t see me as strong and capable and standing on my own two feet.

Still I hung on in desperate hope.  I loved you.  I loved the thought, the idea, the very essence of you.  You filled a part of me that no one else could fill and I didn’t want to lose that, even when I could see the end was near and cried tears and felt my heart tear in two.  I died a little the day I felt the first rupture, or was that the final rupture?  All that was left was that final little string holding us together.

In that moment I stopped respecting myself and I held on for dear life.  I resolved to stay in contact no matter what the cost. I resolved to make myself available and be there irrespective of what it would do to me physically.  Oh and I did so!  The first few months drifted by in this haze of constant communication.  I did not stop reaching out even though it was so hard and you never reached back.  I debased myself and even though I preached respect, I never applied it to myself.

Eventually I stopped reaching out.  Funnily enough you never reached out.  Not once.  you professed to love me.  That same undying love, the one that would have you do anything for me and yet you never reach out.  The final piece that was holding me to you snapped just the other day.  I finally realised that you would never respect me because I don’t respect me when I am around you.  My love for you blinded me to the real you.

I pick people who love to control me.  I am still doing it, but I am getting better at identifying it.  You were one of those picks.  I then got strong and I left and made a life of my own.  I became more and you didn’t know how to handle that and so you stepped back.  I tried to become less but I can’t.  I am this woman now, life has helped me forge a new beginning.  I deserve this life.  This strength and this purpose.

I had to respect this woman that I had worked so hard to become.  I had to let you go.  I grieve.  We had something so special.  This cycle will repeat, because I make this mistake consistently.  Yet I am more aware each time the spiral tightens.  Respect.  For myself.  I have come far and have farther yet to go.

I am proud of my evolution.


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