Talking to myself

Because sometimes you need expert advice!

I am sitting here with no one to talk to, all my usual conversationalists are unusually quiet.  So I am talking to myself ~ well at least writing to myself.  It is probably the only thing that will keep me sane today.  I feel as though I am walking on a tightrope stretched across this abyss and the depths are just a little too dark for me to see what is crawling within.

Time is both fast and slow at the moment.  I am not sure if that is because I am living in the now and not thinking of what was and what is to be, or if it just is what is.  I do know that 6 days feels like an eternity and yet it is not even a full week, but the amount of things that occurred within those 6 days could have occurred over 6 months.  At the same time, I had plenty of downtime.

Somehow through all that has occurred I have managed to retain my sense of positivity and also managed to gain some mantras.  It has not been easy to maintain all of this because it would be far easier to curl up.  I am craving human contact and yet I am talking to myself today.  Every single one of those I would tag is busy or involved in their world and I am too scared to reach out and bother them.

Where does the fear come from?  The issues at hand make me nervous that I do not want to taint anyone.  I am going to have to seek further help with that area.  It cannot be left alone, and I will need to address it in order to keep my health intact.  I feel as though I am poison and as such it is easier just to talk to myself rather than anyone else.  Silly possibly, since I know I am loved.

I am challenging myself on many levels at the moment.  Physically and mentally.  I am pushing every single boundary that I know and enforcing change and it is creating change.  At the same time it makes me a little uncomfortable.  I want to be better than I am so I am working on just me to obtain that change.  Still I think some days it may be easier just to give up.

Yet as I talk to myself I know I couldn’t be more content (well maybe) but honestly, no.  I am happy, happier than I have been in a very long time.  I have people who love me and like me.  I have those who appreciate me.  My relationship with my kids is starting to improve.  Work is good, home and intimate is getting better by the day, finance could be better but I have faith and a plan there, and my outlook on life is so much better.

The adage of fake it until you make it is hard but it does ring true.  Well for me at least.  I had to fake being happy and positive. I had to fake being light.  That is certainly not my default setting, yet it is starting to pay off.  I am putting out good vibes and I am getting back good energy.  Good people are entering my life.  I am getting back that which is good.  I will keep going 🙂

So talking to myself helped, even in the third person.  I’m an odd one for sure, but that is okay.  I know myself in my world.


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