You ever get to that point where you have so much crap running around in your head, that you have to just dump it? I am writing regularly-ish at the moment, and still my head is full up.
I always thought I was good at communication, or at least clear enough about my intentions and my desires. Fuck me, was I ever wrong! R and I are just talking in circles and even though we want the same thing, we just can’t find a consensus around it.
Poly is a minefield of decisions, choices and aligning calendars. I work crap hours and it is hard when it is the weekend to be accommodating to others. Our choices also work, so there has to be accommodation. It is a fucking nightmare trying to get everyone happy.
I wouldn’t say I am jealous, even if at surface value it appears that way. I am envious yes, as our intimate life is down the toilet currently. I do feel like I can’t connect and it feels like he is battling to find some common ground. And fuck me!, if I am not tired of discussing the dog or dinner or what cleaning material is good.
That routine in life is important and I get it. Living with someone means you need to be aligned on those details. It is also what kills and why people go seeking the “fun”. The non-routine and non-detailed stuff. Where you don’t need to worry about who is being fed what and what stain won’t come out with that soap.
Cheating is wrong. I have done it before and the taste that is left after is not good. Maintaining the lie, and the facade is too much hard work. I would rather be open and clearly state that I am with someone else. It is what we agreed. We can have relationships and be involved.
Somehow though we need to detach from those and pay attention to what is at home. Finding that level is proving to be fucking hard. No pun intended! We are circling around each other, and when we do step forward, we aggravate each other and get annoyed. Vicious circle.
In 9 days we will formalise our relationship in the eyes of the law. This is probably where most of our angst and trouble lies. The one thing we said would not change us, is. I can only hope that once it is all done, we find some level of equilibrium.
I hate being able to see both sides of the story. I hate feeling like I am nothing more than a failure as a girlfriend and ultimately a partner (wife falls into that category). I hate to know that I am jealous enough about time with him, that losing the time I have on weekends causes my head to explode.
He needs that time. Fuck, I need that time. Our relationship needs that time. And still my stupid head gets all … well, stupid! I need to find centre, especially this week. I need to be focused and on point and somehow I need to let this go.
We love each other. We see each other. Stupid fucking head!