There is this prompt that does the rounds that tells you to blog using the alphabet as your guide. Each letter becomes a blog. I decided that as a challenge, this would be good to get me blogging every day.
H = hurt
I was going to avoid this word, because there is a lot of misunderstanding that can happen. Hiding, though, is not fair on me and it just bubbles under the surface until there is an eruption.
Currently all my topics centre around feelings and the event that is front and centre in my life. Along with that are our new relationships and the abyss we are facing personally.
Hurt at the moment is a constant feeling. My heart aches, every word I utter, every gesture I make seems to hurt others to the point where I wonder if it is not better if I just go away. This intensifies the hurt I feel. And no, not like that, just move somewhere else for a while so things can calm down.
There is a hole and it grows ever wider and I am not sure how I can work around this. Of course, my stress levels are so high that my system is shutting down. I am ill, I have aches which are more psychosomatic than real. The hard part is that I have to live with this hurt. I have to figure out a way to get through each day and just hope that at some point things will get better or I will be so used to it, I can survive.
Even after all the words we have exchanged, I still don’t feel wanted. It feels put on and forced. I wish I was more, but I am not and that is on me. I need to work through this and understand that because of who I am, this is what will happen. It happened before, it was bound to happen again. Once all is formalised, I am no longer and can no longer be that girl.
It is at times like these when I realise how alone I am. I have no touch points, no old friends close by that I can have a coffee with and even new friends are a drive away. I have very little outlet to be hurt and when I do turn to others the first question is “what have you done wrong?” (being me), followed by “you need to understand that he is anxious and nervous“.
I am not sure that I am patient more than I am accepting that this is my lot and the path I chose. Anyway, it’s Monday and time to get on with the work week. Somehow I will numb the pain and keep the smile in place. Deep breath and on we go.