Ah the minefield that is a relationship. We note the little danger sign, but man that view is amazing, and (to mix metaphors) it is such arable land. We see so much potential, so much possibility, that we blithely continue. For the really crazy – cue me – we do this in multiples. Hey! Two fields are better than one? And three or four, well the possibilities start becoming close to endless.
Except it isn’t as easy as just multiplying. Every person, every situation is unique. We have the same set of feelings, no matter who is in the room or bed. We need to deal with each one on its own merit and at the time it occurs.
I have spent the last 8 years in a relationship that has seen so much. We have abused medication, alcohol, each others emotions, and all those other things that make up two people accommodating each others temperaments and uniqueness. I have cried, laughed and every other single emotion and now I am learning how to share (well still learning!).
It is a different sharing. This is not the hidden affair, or secret tryst, or one night stand. This is open and honest. It is a discussion around who will spend time where and with who. It is a discussion around health, for everyone involved. It is a baring of the soul so that there is an understanding about the feelings and emotions that are conjured through this process. It is finding that happy space even if one does not like the others paramour.
It is at all times open – no secrets – and this is the hard thing, there are NO secrets. No hidden texts, no hidden meetings – everything is done out in the open. It would be easy to do the affair route. No one needs any details but if it is found out, that creates its own set of problems. However, an affair / tryst, affords a measure of anonymity that poly does not. Poly demands honesty at all times, because without it none of the relationships can work.
Suddenly, those mines become more frequent and a lot more deadly. Instead of once in a while hitting something in a monogamous relationship, there are different mines for every person – whether they are directly or indirectly involved. Suddenly there is a lot of concern as to the course that needs to be navigated and who should be with you. Suddenly you realise that if others are not erecting flags at each mine, and that you are not doing the same, someone will get hurt and it will be bad.
I am in that phase, again, of erecting flags, not that I think I will ever leave this phase. The one (probably major) thing I am dealing with is that I do not know whether there truly is a mine beneath it. I am going blindly along my own psyche as this is such new territory. But do I push that area and possibly get hurt, not plant a flag and someone else gets hurt or plant the flag and have nothing there so look like an idiot? Sometimes I am just planting flags when I have no other paramours.
There has been so much pain in my life, I am actively trying to avoid it. Still, here I am trying to get multiple relationships to work to the benefit of everyone. I have made some really big mistakes along the way. I own those. I am at times insecure, unsure and very worried. I want stability and constancy. In a world where this has never really been on offer, now is when I want it. I want some surety in a world that offers none. Really am not asking for a lot!
The view is amazing and I am lucky to live my life according to my choices and desires. I have all I need, and I am filling in the “want” portion of my life. This makes me extremely lucky. I am aware that there will always be flags, there is no relationship without its warnings and triggers. I am learning that my primary’s happiness is not up to me, and his choices may not always be my ideal and that is ok. One of our strengths is our differences.
For all the mines that either lay exposed after being dug up, or noted with a flag and even those that are yet to be discovered, I wouldn’t change my choices. Sharing is not easy and those that say it is are lying … but for me the rewards of honesty, of choice and most of all, of being loved, far outweigh those explosions. Every day is a new foray.