Not feeling myself

I am writing this post, knowing that people will read it and panic, so I am telling you DO NOT PANIC!!  (I need the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy about now).  I am working through my feelings, emotions and the general noise that is in my head.

In December of 2014, I attempted suicide.  It was a low point and my usual safety mechanisms were not in place.  Simply put, I had reached the end of what I could handle and not being alive was the only option I had available.  I won’t go into reasons, or even try and delve into that period. I know without any doubt that should those exact same circumstances occur, it will result in the same actions.

Fast forward and after many therapy sessions, medications that did not work and figuring out to how to care for myself, we get to the last month or so.  My posts clearly show my dissatisfaction and this seems to be growing.  I am at the point where I do not see the point.

Life is good.  I honestly mean that.  I have a home, food and clothing, electricity, warmth, and I am able to attend those things that give me pleasure.  Just this weekend I was at the MotoGP on Phillip Island.  I craft, and this does not by any means explain the level to which I craft.  I have my books, and my photography.  I journal and am involved with a charity and also getting my own business off the ground.

Yet I cannot seem to stop this cycle.  I am becoming irritated and short tempered.  I find that things I used to roll with now cause me pain.  My emotions are so close to the surface that I am taking offence or being hurt by things that really are trivial.  It depresses me to the point where I just cannot function.

Which brings me to today.  The fact that I do not see the point.  Deep breath.  It seems preferable to just wave goodbye and that’s it.  Maybe I will skip the wave.  I realise that I am loved, that I am wanted.  I realise that things are not as bad as they seem.  The one part of me is telling me to see the good and yet still my eyes are downcast.  I am specifically not calling it a rational side – when push comes to shove and things are really bad, suicide is the rational choice for that person in that circumstance.  I am not saying it is right, but it is very rational.

So how do I get through today and my battle?  I have no idea.  I am currently at work, so there is no outlet here.  I will battle through and find my feet today.

To those who read this DO NOT PANIC.  I am ok, I will not respond to messages – I am just working things out in my head.  I am using this a failsafe.


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