You don’t see me

I’m sure you think you do.

Your years of trial and tribulation make you think you know and see all.  But you don’t see me.

You see what you want to see.  You don’t see a woman who has faced her own trials and tribulations.  A woman who has been to a version of hell that only she can see.  A woman who lives in another version of hell.  You see instead this outer facade – this mask – and have decided you know all.

You don’t see me.

We all have versions of hell, some are far more damaging than others, but each carries its own pain and associated scars.  My current one is as usual partly of my making, partly of circumstance and partly because life sucks and we are all trapped here irrespective of whether we like it or not.

I know you justify a lot of what goes on around you through your filters.  I do the same.  Yet there is more give in my world than in yours. There is more understanding and compromise in my world.

I’m told it’s my bleeding heart.

I wish you could see me as me.  I miss you.  I wish we could find a way to let what was be done, and see what could be.  I wish that you could compromise and not be so set in your ways.

I wish you saw me.

In my strength and capability lies a vulnerability that few seek to understand.  In my practicality lies a whimsy that few ever experience.  In my desire for order lies a deeper desire for chaos and spontaneity.  In my opinions lies a conservatism that seems in absolute contrast.  In my fear lies a quiet love and in my love hides a deep fear.  In my lack of passion lies a well of intensity just waiting to be tapped.  In my insecurity lies a security I will not trade.

Do you see me yet?

Are the contradictions, the contrasts too extreme?  Do you not see the woman beneath?  Or do you just choose a facade and go with that?  I suppose that is easier.  Just to pick one and ignore the rest.  We often cannot see past certain things because of our own walls and insecurities.

Do you see me yet?

I wish you could set it all aside for a moment.  Just a moment and see and feel the magic that could be.

You don’t see me.

 

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