Depression, anxiety, comparison, lack of self worth all adds up to me. There are days when I just wonder why any of this carries any worth. What am I doing on this planet and when the hell can I get off?
It is as though I am holding on by my fingertips and everything aches now. I just want it all to STOP.
Please just STOP.
I am begging, just stop.
Yet, I will smile and laugh and continue on because I honestly have no choice. That in itself says so much. I can’t let go because I have others attached and my letting go would send them into the abyss as well. How do I get them to climb over me and thereby set themselves free?
So I cope with my neuroses. As the dictionary explains, neurosis is defined as a relatively mild mental illness that is not caused by organic disease, involving symptoms of stress (depression, anxiety, obsessive behaviour, hypochondria) but not a radical loss of touch with reality. Some days I feel like I have lost touch with reality. I seem to be looking through some weird tinted glasses and I have no idea on how to change them.
What am I grateful for today? My home in this freezing weather (it’s winter in the southern hemisphere), food on the table (literally having the ability to buy food which is always touch and go at the end of the month), access to meaningful relationships that build into me, a craft that allows me to barter time for goods.
Now the next part is a little harder…
I am grateful for me. I am grateful for this body that houses my soul, as ridden with fear and anxiety as it is. I am grateful for every stretch mark that signal both having carried children and the expansion of flesh to incorporate fat – as fat means I had access to more than just the basics for food. I am grateful for the grey in my hair that gets covered up often, as it signals that I am still here each morning, when so many don’t get to live long. I am grateful for eyes that can see the sun come up each morning (it’s winter) and the sun set every day. I am grateful for hands that can move and bend freely so that I am not reliant on others for daily tasks. I am grateful for every mark on my body as they each tell a story.
Looks like I found a way to cope today. Thank you for listening.