Selfish … not a swear word

I troll all over the place to find inspiration and things to keep my mind active.  Especially today when I have had to finally admit after 4.5 years that I am just going to have to give up on a lifelong held dream.  More on that in a bit.  I came across this article named, 5 ways to be positively selfish (for good reason), and it resonated.

I have said in prior blogs how I am wired to make others happy, and this is a fact.  After some 40-odd years on this planet I call home I realise that this is exactly what I do.  I place everyone else’s needs above my own.  Whether that is emotional, financial or anything else.  Now when you deal with an addict you tell them that half of the therapy is to actually admit that they have an addiction.

So, I am admitting to being addicted to helping everyone but me.

Obviously I am changing this, but the last week has seen me fall back into bad habits (my addiction if you will).  I have reverted to allowing what others think and feel dictate how I should feel and act, instead of standing up for my own emotions.  I have allowed their misery and unhappiness to drag me down and it has had consequences.  The easiest way for me to tell is that I am not sleeping properly even though I am passing out and not awake, refreshing sleep is not occurring.  My sleep pattern is disturbed.

I need to reincorporate some of these “selfish” habits again that I was doing before and some others that I had been doing of my own.  It is not going to be easy finding light again, and that is scary in itself.  Yet I am well aware of the benefits.  I am happier for one, and not just the haha happy.  It is a calmness that I have.  I can cope with things and life seems easier to deal with.  I have more time to do things, rather than trying to cram everything into days that seem to evaporate.  I have more patience and understanding.  All of this comes from being a little selfish and in tune with the fact that I am important and need to be selfish.

It doesn’t mean I lose my empathy.  It just means that I don’t give into that empathy and take it on.  It means I don’t allow myself to take on that person’s issues and solve it for them.  I let them do it.  They are adult enough to handle their issues and my function is to provide support (weight bearing when necessary) but not to take the issue away from them.  Everyone needs to go through things in order to grow and gain strength, I am taking away learning curves and opportunities if I keep stepping in.

There in itself is a learning curve for me.

Back to that little tidbit I left in the first paragraph.  I have a little medical issue called vestibular migraines.  For the most part these are controlled by medication, however, they are not completely cured and can never be.   Therefore, I live with the symptoms continuously.  My lifelong dream was to own and ride a motorbike, which I have learned to ride and I own one.  Box ticked!  The problem is that I am unable to ride very often due to my condition as my consistent dizziness makes the bike hazardous.  In a car I have some room for error, on a bike there is none.  Disappointed yet self-aware enough to know that my safety is more important than my stubbornness.


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