All I want for Christmas

Is you … but actually no, I don’t.

The lyrics to this Christmas song go something like this …

I don’t want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
I don’t care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true oh
All I want for Christmas is you

Back to my first sentence.  All I want for Christmas is you … I want you in all your glory.  The stability, the continuity, the friendship, the seemingly non-conditional love that you offer.  I want you because you make me laugh, you challenge me and you never let me just get away with stuff.  You know me, well a version of me, well enough to keep helping me be a better version of myself.

And then … and then … just like Alice I fell into the hole and I am reminded, and I remind you of this blog, My Life is Messy.  My life is messy and this is the version of me you do not know so well.  The version that I do not hide but you have chosen not to immerse yourself in.  Don’t worry – all those I have loved have pretty much turned away from this area.  You are not alone.

But it has shown me something.  I was once told that I had fallen in love with an idea of someone.  I think that is true of your feelings for me.  You have this idea of me.  This thought of who I am, of what I am.  Now that you are being shown more, you are slightly repulsed.  You cannot reconcile the independent woman with the one that you knew before.

So I don’t want you for Christmas, or any other time for that matter.  The love I feel for you is dying and taking a part of me with it.  It hurts to know that I was so wrong about my emotions and my choice in men (again!!).  I had a discussion today with my daughter about validation and I am watching the cycle in her.  I just wish I knew how to break it, how to show her that she is competent, attractive and wonderful and doesn’t need to find her validation in a man.  That she can find her happiness in her true hearts’ desire.

I should talk … I do the exact same thing.  I look for validation in all the wrong places.  I was looking for it with you and instead I got an ego bashing and heartache.  Admittedly a lot of it is my own fault.  I was building castles in the sky and you were just stringing me along.  I was just the distraction in your regular day, whereas you were my day.  It’s funny how we looked at it so differently.  I wanted you, you wanted a small piece of me.

Make my wish come true, give me back my heart this Christmas.  It’s the least you can do.  I think you have played with it enough.  You have so many double meanings to your words, never saying what you really mean and or contradicting yourself three sentences later.  Honesty is all I ask now.

All I want for Christmas?  Well, it’s not you.  And for the record, it’s not him either.

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