I did a spring clean at the start of autumn … I am not confused when it comes to the seasons, it was just time for this particular move. I have started creating space that is just about me. Not a family, the kids or even a partner – just me. It has left me feeling very raw and vulnerable.
Spring cleans are common throughout the world – each culture has a different reason for doing so. We are all imbued with this desire to sort out our homes in the in-between month of spring – it’s not too cold, there is no wild weather and insects have yet to descend. I did mine in autumn and somewhere in there is a parallel to where I am at present.
Winter for me is a period of being home bound. I nest particularly well and enjoy the sanctuary of my home. I do not like the cold so home is where I go. I feel like this was a preparation for the next step in my journey.
When I left my ex, I left behind a lot of items that we shared and collected over the years. I took what was necessary to create a home and basically created a similar environment to what I was used to. I left it intact, while living alone – until this past weekend.
I have moved almost everything that tied me to that life.
I have created space in my home that reflects just me. No children’s room, no ultra-big table in case of family dinners, no making my space viable for others to move in. Don’t get me wrong – it is a welcoming space – but it is geared for me. What I like and want from a home and space to live in. I am not taking everyone else’s opinions and needs into consideration.
That leaves me feeling selfish and egotistical. Also very vulnerable and raw. Here I have created something that isn’t about my family or friends or anyone else. It’s difficult to grasp completely. I am vulnerable because it is me now on display for anyone who walks in – it is no more a reflection of a family. I am raw because I am closing a chapter on my life and that in itself is hard.
As I look back, I can identify stages as chapters in the book that is me. My family took up a considerable portion thereof. The next chapter is about me and what makes me happy. It’s a scary process.
How do I define myself without the facade of family, husband, partner, someone else? Am I capable of remaining true to myself? Can I sustain that level of independence?
I am not sure I can answer any of that today or even this week. I just know that this step has me reeling a little and I can see there is some work to be done. Time to turn the page and not go back. Memories and love are strong – it’s time to start writing a new chapter.
Neuroses Undefined 