Spring clean

I did a spring clean at the start of autumn … I am not confused when it comes to the seasons, it was just time for this particular move.  I have started creating space that is just about me.  Not a family, the kids or even a partner – just me.  It has left me feeling very raw and vulnerable.

 

Spring cleans are common throughout the world – each culture has a different reason for doing so.  We are all imbued with this desire to sort out our homes in the in-between month of spring – it’s not too cold, there is no wild weather and insects have yet to descend.  I did mine in autumn and somewhere in there is a parallel to where I am at present.

Winter for me is a period of being home bound.  I nest particularly well and enjoy the sanctuary of my home.  I do not like the cold so home is where I go.  I feel like this was a preparation for the next step in my journey.

When I left my ex, I left behind a lot of items that we shared and collected over the years.  I took what was necessary to create a home and basically created a similar environment to what I was used to.  I left it intact, while living alone – until this past weekend.

I have moved almost everything that tied me to that life.

I have created space in my home that reflects just me.   No children’s room, no ultra-big table in case of family dinners, no making my space viable for others to move in.  Don’t get me wrong – it is a welcoming space – but it is geared for me.  What I like and want from a home and space to live in.  I am not taking everyone else’s opinions and needs into consideration.

That leaves me feeling selfish and egotistical.  Also very vulnerable and raw.  Here I have created something that isn’t about my family or friends or anyone else.  It’s difficult to grasp completely.  I am vulnerable because it is me now on display for anyone who walks in – it is no more a reflection of a family.  I am raw because I am closing a chapter on my life and that in itself is hard.

As I look back, I can identify stages as chapters in the book that is me.  My family took up a considerable portion thereof.  The next chapter is about me and what makes me happy.  It’s a scary process.

How do I define myself without the facade of family, husband, partner, someone else?  Am I capable of remaining true to myself?  Can I sustain that level of independence?

I am not sure I can answer any of that today or even this week.  I just know that this step has me reeling a little and I can see there is some work to be done.  Time to turn the page and not go back.  Memories and love are strong – it’s time to start writing a new chapter.

 

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