Self criticism – I know that most of us are all champion self critics. It is so easy to find fault with ourselves and to forgive the same in others. Today my critic is working overtime.
Before I had children I was a size 12, once they arrived I went to a 18/20 and I have vacillated between a 16 and 22 ever since. All carried across my hips and tummy. So bigger down the bottom and small on top (12 / 14). Clothing was always uncomfortable until I found a store that catered to my size and then clothing became awesome.
Why am I sharing this? Because I know I am not as unattractive as my head is saying. I have no health issues relating to my weight, the long term effect may be an issue, but with regular checks all is in balance. Sugar, cholesterol, heart, liver and kidneys are all functioning okay.
Why is it such an issue? I am self-aware enough to know that skinny doesn’t mean healthy. So if I don’t subscribe to the “skinny is gorgeous” camp, why am I being so harsh on myself? An example is going to the work bathroom and a glance at my reflection left me thinking that my arse could carry the world on its curve! Everything accentuated (to my eye) the size of my rear end. Mortified, tears and a major overreaction … I berated my partner for letting me out the house looking like a hippo and I wanted to go home. Desperately.
I don’t get that option. I have to face the day and what needs to be done. Along with a WTF! from my partner as to my tirade.
I won’t go into all the times I think I am stupid especially when I face another assignment or exam for my degree. Or when I feel a failure because I can’t quite figure out exactly what the boss wants (or anyone else for that matter). Or even when I feel like I have disappointed someone because I have taken time out for myself, instead of being there for them.
Personally, I have always thought that the most attractive people are those who exude confidence and a happy demeanour even if they are not always feeling it. The whole fake it ’til you make it routine has worked for me.
Here’s the thing – I refuse to be a victim or survivor of my past as in my head that allows those that hurt me power to still affect my now. Being a victim means that I don’t move forward, being a survivor means that I still give it head space. I have become a survivor unfortunately. I have allowed history to repeat itself.
Thunder thighs, too heavy on shoes
Nothing shorter than your knee, and you can’t wear tight clothing
No one wants to be in a relationship with you, you are too fat
You’re fat, I have to imagine I am with someone else just to be able to fuck you
You’ll never amount to anything – you don’t deserve an education, it’s wasted on you
You need to wear slimming colours and never bright colours – no one wants to see you
You will stand in the back won’t you, while they take the photo? Try and hide a little, we just need your face.
You get the drift. The words haunt and especially now when I have taken another step in my journey. It is as though my book has decided that before I can write the next chapter, I need a highlights section … except it’s all bad stuff which inevitably has an effect on the words that are written next.
I am writing today just so that I can clear this from my head because it has paralysed me. It has left me feeling useless and ugly and I know that these things are a reflection of the person judging me and not me. When we judge someone, it is a reflection of their character not ours.
So what happens when we judge ourselves? We are picking out the ugly from our characters and flaunting it. I don’t like that person. She is petty and small minded. If I don’t do that to others, what right does it give me to do it to myself? I want to write my next chapter with little to no haunting. I understand that my history is what helped forge my character, yet I want to have the strength and let the haunting go.
This has helped me today. I will probably have to keep reminding myself of this again and again, but I am human and I will forget and make mistakes. My self critic is silenced for a while. Here is to a sunny day!