It’s the witching hour here and I should be asleep, instead I’ve just finished 2,193 words for an assignment – 307 to find tomorrow and I have more running around my head. All looking for a way out.
Words that don’t really make sense at this time of night/morning but find a voice they must. At the same time I am listening to music and it is sparking memories ~ some of which I would rather not remember.
Here is one that is bittersweet, probably because I won’t get to see her again in this lifetime. My aunt’s house in Johannesburg. It’s a brick house and I am in the bedroom, a moody teenager listening to Bananarama and feeling like there is just nothing to live for. I am never going to find anyone to love me (you know the feeling!!) and I am stuck here in cold Johannesburg with nothing to do. <hand on head and sigh on cue> There are the cats mewling and the dog is crying, the doves are cooing and all I can do is think of poor little old (probably around 13) me. My aunt drags me out the room and we listen to music for the afternoon …
Silly, those were the best of days … well maybe not. Rose coloured glasses and all of that!
I am not naive my past was hard. There were good days and there were bad days and there were indifferent days. Just the same as there are today. At this the witching hour I am remembering that there are more indifferent days that any other. It is up to me to change that.
Fuck I hate that – don’t you?!? It’s always up to me to change my own destiny. I can’t rely on anyone else. Bah!! <sarcasm>
Ah, a favourite song – It’s a Heartache (Bonnie Tyler).
It ain’t right with love to share
When you find he doesn’t care for you
It ain’t wise to need someone
As much as I depended on you
Hmm, now that brings back memories. So many and none of them good. I am reminded that life is messy, that things happen through choice and desire at a given moment. This is pointed at anyone in particular, it’s me reminiscing about things and where I am at. (Yes that last sentence was directed at one particular person)
In the witching hour I suppose I can be honest. Dependence was beaten out of me right from day one. The one proverb I heard from my earliest days went something like this:
you’ve made your bed, now lie in it
No leaning on anyone – my choices, my consequences. It has been hard breaking that and the few times I have, let’s just say the results haven’t been spectacular. So I don’t lean. I trust – more fool me – but I don’t lean. It is easier not to ask and not to expect. Easier to do for self.
That sounds so melodramatic and so full of it … when in reality it shouldn’t. I am too tired to try and analyse this further than what it is at present. So I am leaving it there. Sometimes something just is what it is and that is okay.
I’m off to bed listening to Billy Idol and “White Wedding” … maybe it will be a nice day to start again 🙂
Neuroses Undefined 