That crept up on me like a ton of bricks. I mean I have been prepared, kinda. The number doesn’t worry me too much – it’s the reflection that is going along with it. The feeling that I just don’t matter and nothing I have done to this point matters. And why the fuck am I so discontent?
I have a life that could be deemed enviable by others. I know that through all the hardships, all the trauma I am standing here getting through each day. But…
I was raised that family is everything, they are the core of everything. I am low contact with both my parents, no contact with my sister and all extended family, my children are low contact (despite my many attempts to reach out on a regular basis) and in essence that core that I thought I would have, is not there.
So work became the core. Every single job has been progression on the last one. I have built my way up to C-level through sheer determination, and now at the peak (well before the next one), I have a team that is fairly autonomous, senior management that respects work / life balance and a good salary. And still.
Hobbies are in abundance. Money is thrown to the wind to accommodate each new fancy that comes along. Who needs savings when there is a new toy or hobby to be had? We rent and that is starting to rear its ugly head as we face shortages in the market and prices that are not quite attainable.
On reflection I have done exceedingly well. I am successful. I have means. I have reliable transport, food on the table and somewhere to reside. I even have animals in my home that get spoiled.
And still it feels like I am missing things. I do not have many friends. I don’t have very good relationships with my children. There is a hole and I am not sure how to fill it. So I sit here in misery of my own making, wondering what the fuck it is that I need? What will make me feel like I am worthy?
2024 is a year of cementing my career, and to do brave things. I don’t know what that is – a hobby, travel, write that book that is simmering – I have no idea. I just know that I need to step out of this zone and find something that will fill the hole. The hole I wasn’t even aware of until that bloody 50 arrived.
Neuroses Undefined 