Not hiding

For a long time on here I have kept my name and my photo private. As I write this, I have finally updated those settings. I am proud of my words and stand by them, so my face here should not be an issue. What is going to be funny is that I will get some interest, as I share the same name as an actress. Any press is good press right?

Anyhow, what triggered all this is that we hide from everyone. And most of all we hide from ourselves. This lockdown has shown sides of me I thought were gone, bah they were taking a holiday! I have had waaaaay too much time to be introspective and note all my faults. But I have noticed how much I hide from myself just because it is too hard to face.

I have made many mistakes and it has been easy to ignore the damage done to others. Easy to distance myself and say “well that reaction caused this reaction”. It is hiding from the truth. I did not have to respond the way I did.

I took a step towards my own closure a couple of months ago and wrote messages to 3 people I have hurt in the past. I owned up to what I had done wrong, and took the blame. Without stating why that had been my reaction. It felt good to close those doors and finally move forward. How that will shape the relationships going forward I do not know. A very small part of me wanted them to admit to their mistakes, but that was contrary to what I needed to do.

I needed to own up. I needed to stop hiding and ensure that I had said sorry. What happened then can never happen again – saying sorry is of no use if your actions do not reflect this.

It was hard to bring all that out in the open and deal with it. To deal with my emotions and my righteous indignation that I was only doing the best I could or I had reason for my actions. This rambling just leads to this – in bringing things out into the open, I am allowing myself closure and to move forward in other areas. I can lance the wounds and let them ooze out the pain. I will still bear scars, but now they won’t hurt as much anymore.