Preparation, realisation and acceptance

The last few months have been a blur of work. Not so much activity in respect of doing a bunch of things, but just work. It feels like I am breathing, eating and sleeping work.

Then I went and lined up 5 days of training over 6.

There is a lot of preparation to do in the next 3 days so that I can be ready for the training. The first 2 days are about self improvement, then a day doing first aid and then 1 day rest followed by 2 days on mental health in the workplace.

This has led to some sleeplessness in the form of very vivid dreams as I try and reconcile everything I need to do in the next 3 days. Also all the uncertainty around those training days. Then there is the sheer hell that awaits for the 7 days after before an overseas work trip (which I still need to prepare for).

I have made a few realisations over the last couple of days. I need some respite – so finding assistance in the office is now imperative. Also, I am using alcohol more and more to “relax” (take the edge off). This is not good. With the fun of menopause, alcohol adds to all the physical issues and makes sleep near on impossible.

The harder realisation is that my hobbies are not working for me currently. I am unable to just switch off when doing them. It feels like just another item I need to cross off a list – “aaaand that project is done“. Not conducive to relaxation. My other method leaves R feeling left out as it involves lots of reruns of Midsomer Murders (or Murdoch Mysteries or Death in Paradise).

Which comes down to acceptance.

There is only so much I can do in a day. Only so many things my hands can touch and for me to be effective on. That may mean saying no more often to those around me so that I can breathe. It will definitely be saying no at work, or extending expectations so that I can balance better.

It is also accepting my current behaviour (too much wine!) and acknowledging that it is starting to seriously impact my health, and make some changes. The how is still a little fuzzy but I can do this and do it properly.

September is going to be a definite blur. I am resigned to barely being at home, and work being everything. I am thankful that R is very supportive and does things he really does not like just to keep me even.


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