I am starting to realise how close to burn out I am. It is scary. I have had to take a few steps back of late, and in the process of deliberately slowing down, I have seen how close total shut down is. I suppose there is only so far I can delude myself into thinking just how okay I am.
It was mid-year review last week and naturally I stressed to an extreme point. The one item I thought I would argue about the most, was the quickest agreement reached. I had this whole debate worked out and I didn’t need a single syllable!
It was in that meeting, and a very frank meeting it was, that I realised step one. I need help in the office. I have no back-up and the pressure on me to ensure all is ready and correct, is immense. I have no true leave because I am the only point of contact for a lot of things. So I swallowed that professional pride and admitted to needing help.
I had to follow that up with a call to our head office. Those who were most against said help. I had to again swallow professional pride and tell it as it is. I had to show vulnerability in order to gain what is needed for my sanity.
Burn out is merely days away if I do not start concentrating on things other than work. It terrifies me because I thrive on pressure. I thrive on deadlines and getting things done. Except now.
This leads very well into my relationship with R. Last week was an eye opener for me. I had to be vulnerable even though it felt like a professional defeat. The same is happening with R. I feel as though I am admitting defeat, but I need to show my vulnerability.
Sat was a good example of not managing this well. R had C over, and I greeted both and then went to my craft space. In hindsight I appeared rude and stand-offish. No matter how I try and explain it away, I am aware I made them uncomfortable. It was not my intention. I was trying to give them the space to do their thing (within the boundaries that had been set) and also to keep myself sane.
I am territorial over my space and time currently due to my realisation of how close to burn out I am. There is also the issue of not feeling at home in our home. I have definite times where I do not want to interact with anyone. I can do it during work hours because I have to be sociable at work, but for the rest of my day, I can be as reticent as I like.
In my head C was not my guest and therefore I did not need to do more than the cursory greeting. I was tired from having dealt with other people during the day and all I really wanted was to curl up with a cup of tea and switch off. Instead I was rude, let my emotions rule and battled to find my feet.
The next morning, as absolutely heaven as it was, has managed to make me more insecure and scared.
And because of all of the above, all my friendships are taking strain. I am not reaching out to people, and I am ignoring those that are there for me. This week, as hectic as it will be during month end, I am deliberately setting time aside for others. I am not sure how this will work out. I do not know if this will affect the different aspects of my life more or if it will help alleviating those burnt out feelings.
I certainly picked the week to try something new!