I wonder when I became this blathering, bitter, twisted person? Ok, that is a little harsh, but it certainly feels that way. I can’t seem to find peace in my head and everything I do seems mired in some sort of bog. No fucking forward movement.
Of course this means I need to dissect EVERYTHING. Cue more blah, blah and blah in my head.
I have spent this week working from home. It has done much to settle my stress levels and help me find balance with my workload. I am able to complete tasks and bring my chaos to some semblance of normal.
It has also meant that I am with R more and also exposed to his daily routine. Somehow this has both settled and unsettled me. I find my emotions (as the week draws to a close) are closer to the surface and I am having to work harder to not give them air. I want to curl up in his arms and tell everyone else to fuck off! and I can’t.
The poly thing has me stumped at present. I know that he needs me to be happy for him to be happy, and I know that I need to step out of my comfort zone and interact with others. I am baulking. Trying to find valid and logical reasons why I should not, when all I am doing is proving why I should.
At some point I am going to have to face my fear. You see this is not jealousy, it’s fear. Fear of being alone, completely alone. It is hard not to give this emotion air when my adult kids are too busy for me, other family barely speak to me (unless they want something) and my friends are few and far between. I don’t have a huge circle on purpose, it is draining but that means I do not have friends I just do stuff with.
Some days the fear is under control and I am good and ok with all our choices. Other days it is heightened by every sound, every laugh not shared with me and every glance in another direction – even when 99.999% of these are completely and utterly normal routine things. Even the simple task of cleaning a car and not being with me can trigger this very irrational response.
Yes, I know it is super weird. It is also super real. I have no idea what I am going to be like when I have to go overseas in a couple of months … I will have to face that then. For now, for just today, I am going to work on not having a knee-jerk and remember that he married me. I am the one he will always return to, even if that is just after cleaning the car.
How do you face your fears?