WordPress informs me that I have been using this platform for 4 years. This is in various disguises and under various nom-de-plumes. This particular guise seems to sit better than those before, so there is a good chance of another 4 years in the making 🙂
What makes this guise better? Well for one, I am myself here (not that I was particularly hiding elsewhere) but this one is more of who I am and the realities of my world. I am more accepting of myself here, my strengths, weaknesses and the all round state of my own particular brand of neuroses.
I found the above while doing my usual troll on FB and it got me thinking. What did I choose to do after my mistakes? Have I learned anything or am I still wandering around that particular obstacle? Honesty demands that I tell the absolute truth and as horrifying as it is, the truth is that there are times when I simply choose not to change my actions. I continue on in the same vein as before and then wonder why the fuck I have the same situation!
Life in general is about choices and then we live with the consequences of said choices. We can either change the choice when faced with it again or make the same choice. There is this Japanese technique called Kintsugi whereby you repair cracks using gold. This makes a piece unique and instead of hiding a flaw, highlights it.
If I was to compare my life to that of a piece of pottery, and having had the Kintsugi approach, I would be more gold than pottery. Which in turn creates its own issues, as gold is a very malleable metal and requires alloy to give it strength. Starting to sound familiar?
I may be all shiny but I am way too malleable. I would prefer to be the diamond, which is formed when under extreme amounts of pressure and stress. Hard. The reality is that I am more like gold. I will stretch to a super thin layer from a small amount, and in that process make choices that end up stretching me further.
Sometimes I wonder if all this reflection is good for me? I want to understand why it is I react in the ways that I do. It is often not enough to just be, I need to know why. I won’t quite call it a mistake, but I am beginning to see that this could be an obstacle that I keep returning to.
I want to try a few things so I can start moving forward. This will mean compromise on my part and that of R. 2019 has been a hard year so far, let me see if I can turn it around and maybe add a bit more pottery instead of gold.