It is easy to lose balance when work and life each have demands that take up a lot of time and energy. It takes you to a point where a light push of wind in either direction will mean you fall and fall far.
At the moment, my internal resources are pushed to the limit and I am still finding ways to expand those. What I have finally realised is the toll this is taking on R. I can actually see the stress and worry on his face. My extremes are pushing him to his limit just so that he can keep me afloat.
It is a sobering thought.
I love my work. I enjoy the people I work with, the atmosphere to a large extent is great (no work place is 100% perfect), I have plenty of challenges and growth and I am gaining seniority. It is also the one place I feel fully accepted and wanted. Ok, it may just be to empty the dishwasher, but still 😉
I am so drained most days that I get home, eat, and fall into bed. Then my brain finds it’s umpteenth wind and I get no sleep or I get embroiled in these living dreams that leave me on the edge of exhaustion. And the new day dawns and off I go.
There is no time with R, the puppy is even showing signs of anxiety as all he wants are cuddles. An unhappy puppy because I am so stressed and he picks up and can’t fix it. An unhappy R, as all he wants is for me not to fall.
I haven’t done craft in almost 2 weeks. That is a huge part of my destress activities gone. I just don’t have the energy. I get so frustrated when I do try, that it is better not to try.
But balance. How to find it?
The first step is going to have to be me saying no. No to working on the weekend as a start. Then yes to switching off my electronics and taking a day out with R and the puppy. Hopefully it won’t rain, but we need a day of distraction and doing something totally different.
Then it is going to have to be no to working after certain hours. And yes to time with R at home in the evenings – maybe sitting outside and sharing a coffee / tea or going for a walk. But a resounding yes to quiet time.
Because only then can we move back into being fully poly. Only then will he feel comfortable leaving me and being elsewhere. Only then will he not stress that I will break.