There is this prompt that does the rounds that tells you to blog using the alphabet as your guide. Each letter becomes a blog. I decided that as a challenge, this would be good to get me blogging every day.
M = mistakes
God knows I’ve made a few! (Stealing lines from songs and writers everywhere…)
I don’t think we ever stop making mistakes. How we learn from them is what is important. What we learn is probably just as high a priority. I do get that an apology that is followed by a change in actions and attitude is not much of an apology. This is a failing on my part.
I will often say “sorry” but do little to change my outward behaviour. I have been consciously working on that. I still get it wrong. My biggest failing in this area is not being honest from the get-go. I will often just go with the flow and allow things to happen around me, and later have to recant and say sorry because it really is an issue or I just do not have capacity.
At the moment, I am exhausted, emotional and I want nothing more than to just not be here. And yes, that means what you think it means. I am tired of trying and fucking it up. I am tired of bending and then feeling like I have been taken advantage of, and then apologising for that. I am so tired of feeling guilty and of forcing things and fucking up when I try and broach those subjects.
I am so tired of being everyone else’s mistake.