There is this prompt that does the rounds that tells you to blog using the alphabet as your guide. Each letter becomes a blog. I decided that as a challenge, this would be good to get me blogging every day.
B = Behaviour
I was wondering in the car drive to work today (which is a treat as I don’t have to stand around in the cold waiting for a train) how things affect our behaviour. What is it that I do when things do not go my way or I am feeling alone?
I must admit I did not like my own answer. I am definitely one of those who tries to manipulate before I finally accept that it is what it is, and move on. I have been very honest about the impact of the last 3 weeks on my mental health and that of my relationship with R. We have drifted even further apart and while all systems are go, I am not sure how we will bridge that gap.
My behaviour through this time has vacillated between anger, hurt, more anger, despair and now I am just at the acceptance phase. What that means is that I will step back completely. It is what it is. You can’t force anyone into a situation that does not work for them, so it’s best to walk away. Metaphorically.
What this means in reality is that I am having to dig deep and go back to a persona I thought I could let go of. Finding that woman has been a little hard, but she is back and she is gaining strength every day. I am not entirely comfortable with her, but she is required so that I can move on and be who I need to be.
Human nature is such that we can hide behind facades as we deal with things around us. We shrug them on and off as required and sometimes even live in them to cope with our world. I must say that as much as I hate this whole process, I realise that without it I would break completely. Here I am modifying my behaviour so that I don’t break and it is not a modification I enjoy.
How do you behave when you have stresses or things don’t go your way?