It has been a strange couple of weeks. I have bounced between just wanting to die to extreme euphoria. My emotions, read hormones, have been so off centre that I have been unable to catch a breath.
On top of this we have been attempting to expand our network. We are poly, for the new to the blog, and so multiple relationships is something we work hard to achieve. Meeting people is exhausting. Trying to align schedules and lives and ensure everyone is happy is exhausting.
Discovering that I have a jealous streak that comes out at the very wrong moment, is hard. I am not a fishwife, screaming at every second, nor do I check the phone or email or any transmissions. I trust him to do what is right for us and our health. More than that I trust him to do what is right for him.
You see, I can’t make him happy. Only he can do that. I can only contribute towards his overall happiness by the things we do together or I do for him. The reverse is true as well. I am responsible for my own happiness. This realisation comes around more often than I would like. I think I have it sorted in my head and then wham! I get bent out of shape over something that is agreed and I have to work through it all again.
I kick myself for days after these episodes. He is patient with me and never yells or gets upset. I am the one who cannot move past it. Still I wish it would settle now as it just adds to the turbulence that are my emotions and makes me feel like an idiot.
So here I am, after a major meltdown this morning, feeling like a prize idiot. There was no reason for the meltdown, no reason for the tears. He simply took it all in stride and went so far as to change his routine to drive me to work. He talked about general things and I know he knew I was angry because he had semi-ordered me off the bed and pushed me to get ready for work and he persisted.
It has been an okay day today. Work has had some wins and some draws but so far no losses. I have achieved 70% of my to-do list, which on a day like today is way more than expected. I am able to catch the train home tonight even though I am still feeling fragile, because I have made it this late into the day.
I am grateful to have someone in my life who loves me enough to push me when I need it, will cuddle me when I need it and will help me through these rough patches.