Yep, I have come to the realisation that I am trying too hard.
I am giving up time, energy and effort for little to no return, and it doesn’t even make me feel good! All I feel is tired – no make that exhausted – and unhappy. So unhappy in fact that I find it hard just to find a reason to get up in the morning. I have taken up the challenge to find 3 things to be grateful for each day, and it is currently very hard. At this level of exhaustion, there is almost no sun in my world.
Of course, being pre-menopausal, there is this maelstrom of emotions, so I will cry at the stupidest of things, and have no reaction whatsoever to serious things. Those small insignificant things have more impact on my existence and I am incapable of dealing with anything.
Anyway, back to the trying too hard. I am trying to be all things to everyone. Ensure my kids are sorted, get moved into my new place, make my partner happy, give work more time and energy, take on more responsibility there just so I am not forgotten (very stupid I know), and keep friends happy.
I have forgotten what makes me happy. I am so busy bending for everyone else’s wishes that my own desires are being repressed. The things I want and to a degree need, are being pushed aside for everyone else. And it is leaving me in a state of anxiety and depression. I can tell that it is having a huge effect on my body and my productivity.
How do I stop this cycle? I am well aware that I will not make everyone happy. That is just something I will have to deal with. Tonight I will deal the first of such blows and there will be tears and hatred. I am hoping it does not destroy our relationship, yet I know that there will be damage. She is young, hopefully it will not be forever.
I will have to also be more assertive with others. Work for one so that I am not taken for granted and my new home so that it fills the desires I have. How do you do that diplomatically when you are exhausted? When even the smallest disagreement just leaves you torn inside? When you know you are lashing out and being very unreasonable?
I am trying too hard and somehow I have to take a step back.