Right decision?

It’s been 9 years since I up and moved across the world, all the way to the bottom corner.  I have been back to my birth country once in that period.  I realised on that trip all the things I have “better” in my adopted country and the homesickness fled a little.

But here is what I left behind: A new romance (possibly the ONE), a support network for my family, my kids support network, friends, familiarity.

This is what I gained: Independence, better education and opportunities for my kids, good working conditions, new friends, ability to live my life truthfully.

I miss the support network.  The ability to lean on people who get it because the culture is the same – you’ve all been raised the same way.  I regret the fact that my kids feel displaced and this is being shown in their current actions.  I regret that the parents have not and will not get to share the milestones.  Yet, I did what was right for me and mine at the time.  And still today my kids have better opportunities than they would have back in the birth country.

I am not sure I miss the actual place.  There is a lot of beauty in my adopted country and the ability to travel is greater.  I have not scraped the surface of what is available here.

It’s the connections I miss.  The ability to stop by someone’s house on little to no notice and have a cuppa.  It’s the weekend catch ups that is at a home and not a cafe or restaurant.  It’s the phone calls because that is just what you do.  My adopted country guards their homes jealously.  It is their castle and no one need enter.

I wouldn’t move back to my birth country, there is little left for me there.  The romance has died, friends have moved on and family are aging and due for care facilities soon.  Work would be difficult to find and the reverse racial tensions would ensure that life could not be lived freely. The negative far outweighs the positive.

Yet, sometimes as I sit and reflect I wonder if it was the right decisions.  Even with all the negative.  Did I make the right choice for my children?  Have I caused more harm then good?  My daughter said over Christmas that “I just want to go home”.   But where is home?  It’s not our birth country and if she feels that displaced here, it can’t be our adopted country.

The things a mother ponders.


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