Starting new … again … and again … and again … ∞

Feels like it is a never ending cycle of starting over.  No sooner do I get settled in one place, and admittedly bored senseless, than I am uprooting myself and starting over.  New people, new places, new things and feeling like I am barely treading water.  It’s disconcerting, scary and just plain anxiety ridden.

Why do I consistently do it?  I admit that I get things to a level and then I am bored.  It’s as though the challenge is no longer there and so my attention span disappears and I am left in this limbo.  I find myself doing this more and more often of late.  It cannot just be that I have the attention span of a goldfish, there has to be more to it than that.

Although the goldfish idea has merit!

I keep looking at this from a variety of different angles.  What drives this constant need for starting over – whether it be work, a new home, a new environment, a new study habit or hobby and the list goes on.  It is as though my brain is hard wired to want something new on a relatively regular basis and even though I fight that urge, it becomes so strong that eventually I have to give in.  It’s almost like an addict jonesing for that next fix … without it there is no functioning at all.

The angles:

  • I’m bored and require the challenge
  • I’m complacent and need to be stirred
  • I’m becoming too familiar and known to everyone – it’s time to leave
  • There is no more mystery – I am just an ordinary girl bluffing her way through

The last two strike me as closer to the truth.  Yes, there is merit in the fact that I do get bored and complacent.  I do need challenges and things to excite me and keep my mind active.  I seek, and actively seek, adventure on a grand scale and often I think that I am being a little ridiculous. Grand ideas don’t happen to people like me, I am a cog in the wheel, yet still this notion persists.  There must be more.

Therefore I keep trying to reinvent myself.  I keep trying to be more and I move from place to place, from thing to thing and I am never quite satisfied.  “If only” are two of the loneliest words on the planet and carry so much regret and unhappiness.  I try so hard not to have any regrets – still it seems as though my path is littered with small “if only’s” … little breadcrumbs leading to the witches’ house and the oven.

Hmm, possibly a little too literal!

I said in another blog that life is a spiral and we keep on this spiral ever tightening as we learn the lessons.  My lesson for this blog – my starting new is me trying to reach that ever elusive “something”.   Problem is that I am 40-something and that “something” is out of my reach.  It is a dream I need to let go of and I need to find stability and happiness in where I am now.

Where I am and who I am is not bad.  If anything it is a testament to hard work and perseverance. It is a testament to being loyal and staying the course.   It is a testament to responsibility and control.  It also feels stifling and murderous.  Somehow I need to find a happy medium between the constant need to start over and the reality of finding happiness in just being where I am.

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