Feels like it is a never ending cycle of starting over. No sooner do I get settled in one place, and admittedly bored senseless, than I am uprooting myself and starting over. New people, new places, new things and feeling like I am barely treading water. It’s disconcerting, scary and just plain anxiety ridden.
Why do I consistently do it? I admit that I get things to a level and then I am bored. It’s as though the challenge is no longer there and so my attention span disappears and I am left in this limbo. I find myself doing this more and more often of late. It cannot just be that I have the attention span of a goldfish, there has to be more to it than that.
Although the goldfish idea has merit!
I keep looking at this from a variety of different angles. What drives this constant need for starting over – whether it be work, a new home, a new environment, a new study habit or hobby and the list goes on. It is as though my brain is hard wired to want something new on a relatively regular basis and even though I fight that urge, it becomes so strong that eventually I have to give in. It’s almost like an addict jonesing for that next fix … without it there is no functioning at all.
The angles:
- I’m bored and require the challenge
- I’m complacent and need to be stirred
- I’m becoming too familiar and known to everyone – it’s time to leave
- There is no more mystery – I am just an ordinary girl bluffing her way through
The last two strike me as closer to the truth. Yes, there is merit in the fact that I do get bored and complacent. I do need challenges and things to excite me and keep my mind active. I seek, and actively seek, adventure on a grand scale and often I think that I am being a little ridiculous. Grand ideas don’t happen to people like me, I am a cog in the wheel, yet still this notion persists. There must be more.
Therefore I keep trying to reinvent myself. I keep trying to be more and I move from place to place, from thing to thing and I am never quite satisfied. “If only” are two of the loneliest words on the planet and carry so much regret and unhappiness. I try so hard not to have any regrets – still it seems as though my path is littered with small “if only’s” … little breadcrumbs leading to the witches’ house and the oven.
Hmm, possibly a little too literal!
I said in another blog that life is a spiral and we keep on this spiral ever tightening as we learn the lessons. My lesson for this blog – my starting new is me trying to reach that ever elusive “something”. Problem is that I am 40-something and that “something” is out of my reach. It is a dream I need to let go of and I need to find stability and happiness in where I am now.
Where I am and who I am is not bad. If anything it is a testament to hard work and perseverance. It is a testament to being loyal and staying the course. It is a testament to responsibility and control. It also feels stifling and murderous. Somehow I need to find a happy medium between the constant need to start over and the reality of finding happiness in just being where I am.
Neuroses Undefined 