I’ve been down this road many times before. I have handwritten diaries, soft copy diaries, blogs, and all sorts of fodder out there for all and sundry to read. Here I am again trying to make sense of a world that just doesn’t make sense to me on most days.
Maybe I should just give up. Wait … I tried that and failed. Well more to the point, I was stopped. I scared the person who found me, and subsequent people whom I have told, yet in my head I failed. I wonder what that says about me when I consider my attempt at suicide a failure. I am glad I am still here experiencing life and being around the people I love, yet at the same time it is hard and difficult to face each and every morning.
I am the not so new kid on the block at sharing my thoughts and opinions in open view of the world. I have often said it’s easier to hide in the open, no one is paying attention anyway. It’s true. For the most part everyone is lost within the world of their own pain and suffering. We are so tied up in our online worlds that we forget there is a real world that we have to live in.
Here I am again. Circling back to my own pain and suffering. I do my best not to dwell in that particular hell, and still it calls me on with its siren call. I am unable to resist it and so I move ever closer until I realise that I am caught and the door has slammed shut behind me. Then the self-torture, the yelling and the insidious whispers start … I am sure you have been inside your own particular hell before too.
I am a middle-aged (fuck when did that happen!) 40-something woman, who has two adult children, lives alone, single (divorced but that isn’t a crime anymore), alternative lifestyle advocate and very open minded. I believe in education – in fact I am a little obsessive about it, having decided to do a degree now at my 40-something mark and I am always doing something every 2 – 3 years. I am a Christian, although not a traditionalist – to each his own is my motto when it comes to faith, and I really believe in duality here.
A brief synopsis that does not describe the woman inside my head. She is a lot more complex. On the surface it is easy to be the preceding paragraph and that is what so many see. A woman in her 40’s, a mother, not quite mainstream but stable and responsible. An educated, informed woman able to make reasonable deductions and lead.
The reality is so different on the inside. Instead I am trapped in the mind of an adolescent most days – well not quite adolescent, somewhere around 20 / 21 years of age. Old enough to be alone and make choices, not quite old enough to have the wisdom required. On top of that there is this need for something darker – something not for these pages. It was that girl who sought to end it all. She could no longer function trapped inside the body that she currently has. Yet once rescued she has fled to the deepest, darkest recesses of my mind. I cannot reach her.
There is a saying that goes “When you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It’s only painful and difficult for others.” (Ricky Gervais) I can empathise with that to a degree. It’s everyone else that has to deal with the fallout of your decision, of your choice. It doesn’t seem fair but at the same time it’s not fair living in this constant war and personal hell either. The days like today that just do not make sense and you wish you could just leave.
Around the circle we go. Somewhere I read that life is a spiral. We keep going around the spiral until we learn the lesson. I feel as though I have been on this particular spiral for far too long. I wonder what it is I am missing.
I am not sure what the point of this blog is, if there is actually a point and if I actually care. I have much I want to throw out there …
- Abuse – emotional & verbal – the two we often ignore
- Living with a partner who is ill
- Recovering from mental illness
- Recovering from bullying
- Teenagers that become young adults
- Sex – why is it still so taboo?
- BDSM – a frank discussion
- Anxiety – the impact
- Comfort zones – failures and achievements
- Our technological world
- Starting new … again
So many topics … I hope you will stick around.