I’m so done

Really, truly, honestly. I am beyond tired, and this is just exacerbating all my negative emotions. It’s fairy tale Friday and right now the only fairy tale I want looks something like this:

A good nights sleep and wake up naturally without the scream of the alarm in my ear. That scream that jolts me awake and makes my heart race. My phone is on do not disturb so I can sleep, but that scream reminds me that my family are far away and I could have missed something urgent or vital. So the heart races faster as I scan notifications in a hurry with my heart in my throat, hoping it has been a quiet night. (It usually is, but the reaction is still there). I want one night & morning where this does not happen. Where my heart is not beating too fast. Where I am able to relax.

I want a day where I don’t feel like I have to keep everyone happy. Where I can interact with others and know that they don’t want something from me. They don’t want paperwork done, they don’t want to unburden, they don’t want me to pay for something or fetch something or fix something. They just want to be with me. Me.

A day where I am told without prompting that I am wanted, loved, appreciated, needed. That I am shown what I mean to others and it is not lip service so they can get something. I want to feel like I am making a difference, and that I add value. By being me. Not by what I do or provide.

I want a day where I don’t feel like crying. Like my goals are actually achievable. That the home I want can be a reality, to be debt free a reality instead of these amorphous ideals. A day where instead of throwing wishes at the universe something actually happens and all my hard work comes to fruition.

Where the day ends with a good meal, good company and hearth and home. When the end of the day comes and I curl beneath the covers, I know that this will sustain me for a while, and I will be able to deal with that screaming alarm, the terror in my heart and the demands of all who want something from me because I have some reserves.

A fairy tale for sure.

Time to take a breath.

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