Unfortunately I have been offline for a while, stalking the pages but unable to write myself. 4 weeks ago I ended up in hospital with severe pain and after some tests discovered that there is a kidney stone.

Long story short, first operation is done and the stent in place (along with the wire) and now on the waiting list for next operation to remove the stone and third to remove stent.

Childbirth is a doddle compared to kidney issues. Trust me on this! I am now in constant pain and typically me, one of the few people who feel the stent and associated issues. I have good days, but for the last week, more bad days than good. I need to wait until early next year for the other operations, so finding ways to manage is a priority.

This all affects my social life. I am more house bound than before. Work is restricted to shorter periods as I just cannot sit for extended periods. Going out is hard as walking is restricted and there is only so much pain I can handle in public.

There is way more on the go in the background and as the year draws to a close I am reflecting on a lot of things.

It has been a big year. I moved in with R, married him, got a puppy, helped the kids, issues with R’s family, issues with my mom, too many hours at work and life in general. One thing that seems to stare me straight in the face is that I am too willing to be walked all over.

I may say that I won’t allow things to happen, or set boundaries in place but in reality I just step aside and place all my wants and needs on a back burner for others. I allow people to break promises, to change plans without thought, to say what I want to hear and I am left feeling more alone than ever before.

What is even more confronting is that I do this to others. Sometimes this is valid but sometimes it is because one person wants something and I am always accommodating those wishes.

It is a Sunday morning at 7am and I am ready to walk away from everything and everyone. But it is time for work, so to work I will go.


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