Just when

Just when I think I have all the bases covered, it all goes to hell. Well not literally but close enough to stress me out.

I am currently travelling and in true style, worked on the day I arrived. Which means I am up at sparrow’s because enough sleep yells my body. I have a headache from caffeine withdrawal – herbal tea is NOT enough of a kick, but I hate creamer – and my system is in complete denial.

Of course, any indication that I was in control of my hot flushes was completely wrecked by the end of yesterday. In 13deg weather I was wandering around sans a jersey and the sweat was creating chafe in areas that should be completely off limits!

I am emotional, so yay! hormones!. Even the slightest thing has me in tears, which is not good for work. And I need to be on top of my game as I am meeting with some of the bigger players in the company.

I want to change my working world and this takes bravery and a sense of confidence, that at 5am local time to where I am in the world, I have none of. In fact, all I want to do is cry and curl up and just go home. Which of course leads me to be completely honest with myself and state that I don’t know where home is.

This, because hey it is my head, just leads to the whole circle of wanting to belong and not feeling it, of working my ass off and not sure why – but I can’t stop and things get catastrophised to the point of no fucking return. I can logic myself into almost anything…

And there is no one to talk to.

I don’t mind my own company. Just not in this head space. Distraction is key and while I deal with jetlag, I will just work for two different timezones.