There is this prompt that does the rounds that tells you to blog using the alphabet as your guide. Each letter becomes a blog. I decided that as a challenge, this would be good to get me blogging every day.
S = shame
This will be a fairly personal post, and the reason for it, is so that I can (a) work through some shit in my head and (b) others are going through similar things – you are not alone!
There are a few events in my life for which I carry a lot of shame. I don’t think I have even disclosed it with my therapist because as much as I know I am not at fault, I am ashamed.
I was molested at a very young age by both my grandfathers. Raped twice, once as a teen and again in my 20s. Emotional abuse and gaslighting follows me around. It is as though there is this target on my head that says “SUCKER HERE! ATTACK AT WILL”
I am well aware that the abuse is NOT a reflection of me, but that of those who did it. I am aware that I am not at fault, and that the men that perpetrated these acts are weak and cowards. However I carry a deep shame.
Shame that something in me allowed this to happen. This of course has led to the anxiety, depression and trust issues that I have. I have a suspicion that it is also the reason that others can say one thing and do the opposite. I am too ashamed of my past and what has happened to take others to task over their behaviour.
Now that may seem like weird reasoning, yet it kind of makes sense… The fact that I am ashamed about things over which I had no control, means that I am unable to control things now that I should. Like taking people to task. Instead that little girl / woman inside me says that I am not worth much more and what I get I get. The shame cloud I have hanging over my head tells me this is what I am worth.
Yeah I know. Really bad reasoning. Of course, I am in a downward spiral so I know that a lot of this will “disappear” once I cycle back up. But it never truly goes away. I am not sure it ever will.