Good or bad?

I find myself doing far too much of it of late.  I sit in front of the computer screen, or behind my desk, hell, even walking down the street! and compare that which I have and do to those I see.  Inevitably I always come to the conclusion that I am doing something wrong and this is why I am at the bottom of the pile.

I have few memories of being a child.  They are mostly unhappy and / or traumatic and best dealt with when triggers are pushed and then ignored.  I had very few friends, my days being consumed by adult chores and books.  School was merely a distraction so that I could get back to the home that required my attention.  I do not remember these people that post on my social sites all that well.  The memories are vague at best.

My own family was started young, and the next 20 years were absorbed in running after the kids and their friends.  Routine was the norm, and indifference in my marriage.  It was all about ensuring that the kids had everything that they needed and to a large extent, wanted.  Friends were still scarce, as many whose kids were the same age as mine, were much older than me by a good 15-20 years.  It’s hard to fit in with that age gap at 20.

Then came the divorce and separation that should have happened years ago.  The kids are happier and I felt adrift.  Friends became even more scarce and those I did talk to back in the land of my birth, well they disappeared.  The ones here, in my new home, don’t have a point of reference and have difficulty in understanding me sometimes.  Acceptance into groups is hard.

I don’t have the social life that I see on my social sites.  I am happiest when travelling with one person, or reading, or doing handwork or crafting.  As you can see my hobbies are almost all solitary ones.  It took 5 years to get to the point where I like my own company and now that I understand it, I really don’t need much else.

Then I compare.

My apparently lonely life with that which I see on social media.  My financial instability.  My desire to want a ‘champagne’ lifestyle on a average workers wage.  The thing is I don’t want champagne, I just want to be financially stable. I am aware that what people post is not necessarily the lives that they are living every day.  People only post the positive and happy to social media.  It is not a true reflection of day to day life.

Sill I compare and come woefully short.

I have a home, car, good job, clothes and food every day.  I am able to pay what I need to pay, and yes there is very little for the finer things, but I don’t go without what I want either.  Maybe the big ticket items, but not the small ones.  I may not have many friends, but I do have a select few I can count on.  Maybe not the ones I thought I would have, but solid people none-the-less.  I get to travel, even if currently it is not as much as I would like.

So why do I still compare?

I have much to be grateful for. If anything I know that statistically I am in the richest percentage of lifestyles, because of what I have and am able to do.  I am not mega-rich, but I am wealthier than many people.

It’s that desire to want.  The fear of not having.  At the core of it, if I have to brutally honest, because I did not have growing up (and literally did not have), now that I can, I don’t see why not.   It’s that mentality of I always have to live in ‘poverty’ and so I cannot break the cycle.  I have to work this out somehow.

And I have to stop comparing because all it does is bring me down.


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