“I love you” is not a band aid. You fucked up, again. That is the literal truth. Instead of owning up to it, you are sweeping it under the carpet and using the words “I love you” to cover over it, hoping that it will be a panacea to my wounds. Normally you would be right. Except this time it is different, I have changed.
I reached out last night telling you I was feeling battered emotionally, I heard (maybe what you thought I wanted to hear) that you were there for me. When I got home, yes you were there and I leaned as I so rarely do. I recounted my night and in the process released the words that were spoken to me. Instead of seeing them for what they were, you immediately disappeared into your fortress of hurt and pain and anger and that was it. My refuge, my solace was gone. Suddenly I was left not only to deal with the prior stuff and my emotions, but all of your emotional stuff too and then our stuff. Talk about being hit from all sides.
Then telling me you can’t change? And you love me? And you’re sorry but that’s the way it is? Not good enough.
Why isn’t it good enough? Because after all this time, you are still willing to let the memory and experiences of your past tarnish what we have. You are still willing to let what happened with others affect the way we live our lives. That is so unfair. I am nothing like everyone else and I am so damn tired of having to prove it. This is a very public post, I am well aware of it. I am so tired of hearing that I can’t let my past affect us, and yet here you are letting yours in.
You need to choose. Not just superficially, really choose. It’s time for you to sit down and think about what it is you want and then to actually do something about it. I am not choosing anyone but me. I am placing me above everyone in this.
I broke last night, and it was ugly.
You see, I do love you. I chose you, I chose to build a life with you.
I chose to make you important, but I will be damned if I am only going to be an option for you when there is no criticism from others. I will be damned if you are going to stand back and lick your ego every time someone of any importance to me says something you don’t like and then I am left to deal with the fallout.
If I am important, if you love me, then none of that matters, because I matter. Our relationship should be where you find your strength, not in other people’s words.
People will try and manipulate, it is what people do. I choose to live my life on my terms and with those I want to. Either you are a part of that or not. But please stop using “I love you” as a band aid.
Saying I love you
Is not the words I want to hear from you
It’s not that I want you
Not to say, but if you only knew
How easy it would be to show me how you feelMore Than Words ~ Extreme
Neuroses Undefined 