My last post was in Oct 2021, and the last 14 months (approx) have been a rollercoaster of note. I can’t remember when I last took the time just to write down my thoughts and to actually evaluate things.
2022 in a brief-ish nutshell: company got its 3rd MD in as many years, I got COVID, took on way too much responsibility and listened rather stupidly, to empty promises – both personal and professional. My daughter moved in for a while – and is now moving out again, my finances are all over the place, and as I hit the last 11 months towards 50, I realise that this life is only but a small smear on eternity and I am spending way too much of it bothering about others. It is strange what a persons tipping point / line in the sand / whatever is. I am forever patient, careful about what I say and how I say it, and always, ALWAYS, looking for the best in others. At the beginning of a new year, I have finally hit that line in the sand for myself. I am finally going to place myself first.
My social life went down the proverbial toilet in 2022. 14 hour work days, combined with this desire to always ensure everyone gets what they want – cause it’ll translate to me right? – meant that there was no time for anyone or anything. It’s up in the morning, work, eat, work some more, maybe pass out in front of my favourite tv show and then to bed – if I make it that far. It wasn’t just my social life – my life went down the toilet. I was reading a reddit post today, and the poster made a comment in his / her story that went: “If I can’t trust you with the 25c, how can I trust you with the $1”. That hit home super hard – I have been trusting that everyone will follow through with the promise of the $1, when they can’t even do 25c.
I suppose my line in sand was simple. After being assured of certain responsibilities and not taking a pay rise (as I am management yadda yadda yadda), my review was “try not fill too big shoes” and “you pretend to have a role bigger than you do”. I finally got the message. I will never be good enough and any excuse just to keep me onside will work Problem is that this has been true of my personal life as well. Too many promises and none fulfilled. Yet, here I am still believing that the $1 will come. The 25c doesn’t even materialise unless I get involved and I am so tired of driving things. This is not a pity party though. I am looking forward to 2023 and the challenges it holds for me. I am eagerly waiting to step forward and into what is mine.
The clincher comes when I am not certain who or what will be coming on the next part of the journey. I am finally going to give myself permission to let those that need to fall to the wayside to fall, and those that want to journey to journey, and to not make it easy just because I am scared. Ah, big admission. 😀
I am going to write more. I miss this – the cathartic screaming into the ether. This therapy session that I am having with myself and my readers. It fills a void and I find that physical journalling is good but I often just leave it to too late in the day and my writing is illegible. At least here I can read what I have written – when I do look back. I am working hard on breaking cycles. Glimpsing through my prior blogs, they have very similar themes. It really is time to change that. I would also like to journal the ride into 50 – the number doesn’t scare me as much as the realisation that time is not on my side if I wish for a reasonably carefree life in retirement.
Some of my dreams of 2021 are on hold for a while, 2022 did not have any dreams except survival. For 2023 radical changes are required and I need the backbone to follow through.
So hello my friends – old and new (hopefully) – I look forward to reigniting our friendship across this ether and to journey with you in 2023.
Neuroses Undefined 