The fact that we view the world through our own perceptions of what reality is leaves me pretty fucked. The fact that I battle constantly to see the perception (view point) of those I love the most, is even more fucked.
Disclaimer: probably a salty post
My childhood was not one of those TV dramas or movies – all perfect and just so. In fact it was more of being pushed to the side (unless there was work to be done), always told I fell short of the mark, constantly told how fat I was and no one ever listened because I had to be making those things up about those beloved grandfathers. I was always compared to my sibling. I remember one question that has never left (no matter how much therapy I have) where an aunt wondered where I came from since I was nothing like the svelte ladies in the family. My nickname growing up was Thunder Thighs – this was a family nickname.
So the perception I have of the world, especially of those closest to me, is that they are always looking for fault. I am never going to be quite good enough. When something goes wrong, as life happens, it will be because I have not done something, reacted some way or not fulfilled some desire.
So bring on R and our relationship. Almost 9 years in the making. We have seen rough days and then even rougher days and somehow we have managed to get through. He loves me – I know this deep in my heart. He does all those little things – like clean the house, ensure I am fed, sort the puppy, keep the car on the go – the multitude of little things that make up day to day life and that lets me carry on with work.
And still my perception is that somewhere he is looking for fault. That by me not taking care of everything (see above) means I am not good enough. I am failing by not covering every step and making his life as easy as possible. My perception is that when he does those multitude of little things there is no time for me. He is tired having to care for all things, so I need to wait.
Now we are poly (discussed numerous times before) and I am happy that he finds love and attention elsewhere. Until I hit one of these moments where all I see is how I am failing by not giving him somewhere where he does not have to do anything. When he has none of those chores to do, he has time to pay attention, time to relax.
All I see is how I am failing.
The cycle spirals until I can see nothing except that perception and every action and word relates to that. I can tell you that I stand and watch myself become this woman I don’t know. This woman who has no control over how much she is lashing out and hurting those she cares about the most.
With anyone else I am compassionate and understanding. I know that I am not weak or useless and I realise my boundaries. With those closest to me, all I see are failings.
Not the cheeriest of thoughts at this time of year.