A provocative question.
I was watching some sort of irrelevant ad and this came up. The premise is that as kids we know what we want to be, what we want to own and there is little room for doubt. This changes as we age and become more aware of societal mores, desires of our SO and the simple breadth of the world.
Society will also often view us as selfish, childish or even perverted. Suddenly we can’t just want things, we need to justify it to the larger audience, we need to ensure that we have a valid measurable reason.
It has been running around my head for the last month or so. What do I want? The usual suspects are up for grabs – a home, food, clothing, transport, work, safe environment. But this is deeper than that. The sheer provocation of the question begs for more. It begs that I look deeper, and then deeper still.
I am not talking about breaking laws, so let’s take that off the table. There are some morals that are simply out of bounds. Those all add to the safe environment that I was alluding to earlier in the piece.
I have had to ask the following questions of myself:
- What do I want to do with my career path and prospects?
- What do I want to do with my debt levels?
- What do I want from my living arrangements?
- What do I want from my relationships?
- What do I want from the experiences I pay for?
- What do I want from the way I spend my money?
- What do I want from the way I present myself?
I changed the question from “am I happy” to “what do I want” and suddenly there is a whole new way of looking at things. Suddenly I have to consider my wants rather than my needs. I need to be a little selfish and decide what I really want and know that if I lose relationships, friendships etc. that this is part of ensuring my happiness in the long-term.
It is part of that “authentic” life that I want to lead. It is so easy to bend and be what others want. To fulfil everyone else’s desires and let mine fall by the wayside. So very easy.
I have not worked this out by any means. It is all new and some of the digging is painful. It brings up old hurts and I bleed all over again. Yet, in truth they were just buried, decomposing and sending out all that bad ju-ju. Now I can open the wound, clean it out and let it heal properly. Painful indeed.
I have worked out the answers to at least one of those questions and within the next 24 months it will be resolved. Ah, I didn’t mention that this was not a quick fix. It’s not going to be quick, or easy. It takes work to go and dig for what I want. To make it happen. Yet, 24 months is achievable. So goal #1 is set and in my sights.
What is it you want?